Losing Myself

    Somewhere along the way I lost myself. It's been a while, and to be honest I don't know who I am anymore. I wish it was easy to find myself again, to see myself in the same light. To like myself and have some sort of belief in me and all that I could potentially be. But I don't know that I'll ever be found. 

    Sometimes, I think I see small glimpses of me, but then in a flash, it's gone. Where did I go? My heart and soul feel heavy, the weight of sadness presses down on my chest, making it hard to breath. It's as if I've lost my way to dense fog, stumbling through each day without a clear path. The colors have faded, and even the sun seems to hide behind gray clouds. 

    I woke up early, or maybe it was late, I really can't even tell anymore. The alarm buzzed, but I couldn't find the strength to get out of bed. The world outside felt distant, like a dream I couldn't quite grasp. My limbs ache, and my mind races with thoughts that loop endlessly. Why bother? What's the point? Why keep fighting? 

    Today I forced myself to eat something, the taste was bland, just like everything else. The walls of my room closed in, and I stared at the cracks in the ceiling. Tears welled up, but I blinked them away. I don't want anyone to see me like this. Especially not my kids. Maybe solitude is my only companion now. 

    I scrolled mindlessly through social media, comparing my life to curated snapshots of others. Their smiles mocked me. Why can't I feel happiness? Why can't I just snap out of it? Guilt gnaws at me, guilt for feeling this way when others have it way worse than I do. But depression doesn't play it fair, it doesn't care about comparisons. 

    The sun dipped below the horizon, and I watched the shadows lengthen. Darkness crept in, both outside and within. I thought about reaching out to someone, a friend, a family member, him... yea him. Truth is he's the only person I can reach out to, ever. He's my only friend, my only family besides my kids, I don't have anyone else, he is my everything. But I couldn't fully do it, I couldn't tell him everything this time, the words just stuck, they stuck in my throat. How do you explain this emptiness? How do you ask for help when you can't even pinpoint what's wrong? How do you explain to the love of your life that he may not be enough to save you this time because it may all be lost? 

    I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling again. The silence echoes, and I wonder if anyone would notice if I just disappeared. But then a tiny spark flickers, a memory of laughter, a hug from one of my kids or you, our song, you know the one. Maybe, just maybe, those moments can be my lifeline. 

    Tomorrow, I'll try again. Maybe I'll take a walk, even if it's just to the end of the street. Maybe I'll write down my feelings on here again, even if the worlds feel inadequate yet again. Maybe if again, I don't make any sense and I keep rambling like this. Or maybe I'll just get some professional help. But don't hold your breath. I live in America, and even when I had healthcare, mental healthcare was out of reach. 

    In the meantime, I'll try and hold on, not because I'm strong, but because today... today I'm still here, I'm still holding onto hope that we can make things work. That I'll find my way to you and things will be alright. And maybe, just maybe, that's enough for now...