My Dear Daughter

     Oh my sweet baby girl... because truth be told, no matter how old you get, you'll always be my little girl. 

        I wish I knew what was happening between us. Is it really hormones? Is he right when he says I'm my mother? What am I doing wrong to make our relationship such a roller coaster?  

     I still remember the day I found out you were a girl. I remember how it snapped me out of my feelings. I was in an awful place with your father. He'd been cheating and beating me pretty often. I didn't want to be around anymore. I was scared for your brothers but I was a caged animal and unsure of what to do. 

    I guess not much has changed after 12 years. Sad to say. I told myself then as I rubbed my tummy that I'd make sure things would be good for us, that things would be good for you and your brothers and that I would get us out and away from all of that toxicity and danger and into a happy place and home, that everything would be good. That you guys would grow surrounded with love and happiness and wouldn't have to ever experience any of that. I didn't want that. 

    I'm sorry to say, I failed. I failed at that promise and many more. I wasn't strong enough to take you guys away. 

    I'm so very sorry.